spiritthatdenies said: Oh, maybe you can update us on Tazer the terrible shipper! Wha are his otps right now? Has he discovered ao3 yet and is ignoring all the Kazer to read through his rarepairing tag? Has he funded a hockey shipper anonymous club with Mark Lazerus yet? Or just anything!
BAD-SHIPPER-JONATHAN-TOEWS OH MAN. I’m not planning on writing this, but who knows, because it seems so damn fun whenever I think about it. :D
he doesn’t even realize that fanfiction is a thing, like, legitimately he just thinks of himself as a sort of Cupid character (though the idea of him going through rarepair memes warms the cockles of my heart).
Right now he’s really looking for love for Brad Richards. Not romantic love, because his fiancée seems really nice, but like, a good solid bromance. It can be hard when you move to a new place and don’t have any close guy friends who you can cuddle with, you know? He thinks Antti and Brad could really hit it off. They have a lot in common! They’re two of the only Hawks who grew up in coastal places, and they both really love kale (a fact which Jon discovered when he grew too much in his indoor garden). Antti needs an older guy to help him learn the ropes, and Brad needs someone who’s enthusiastic and new to the team but not that new so that he can commiserate and be informed.
He keeps inviting them out for drinks and then not showing up. They’re confused. (Brad’s fiancé totally hits if off with Antti, though. They get on like a house on fire.)
Laz only ships the really popular stuff, so he just shakes his head at Jonny’s efforts. Amateur, he thinks to himself, and goes to plug away at his canon divergence Tazer-got-drafted-to-the-Caps 50k kazer epic.
i actually can totally picture tazer mentally taking note of which guys on the team seem to be too shy/closed-off/distant and trying to pair them off with compatible buddies.
shawzy and saader being road roomies to begin with? TAZER’S DOING. he’s proud of how well it worked out until they gang up together to fuck up his toilet…and that’s the point where saader gets reassigned to leddy.
(sometimes he opens up that connecting door between his and kaner’s rooms to whine about how people’s tastes are so unpredictable and how was he supposed to know that bollig’s an xbox guy while pirri staunchly supports playstation and they’d spend their arranged playdate arguing the relative rankings of next-gen consoles - he thought they’d be able to bond over having the same first name, c’mon, that’s a great icebreaker. maybe he should throw saader at pirri next.)
(kaner: it’s three fucking am, turn off the light and get the hell out of my room.)
and when nobody seems up to the task he steps in himself with gifts of veggies and bone-cracking hugs, but that’s really just a temporary stopgap because tazer can’t have a bestie, he needs to keep himself free for the next new guy who requires a buddy. captain’s duty; WE MUST ALL MAKE SACRIFICES etc. etc. which may or may not be an easy(?) segue into 1988.